Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?