Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
wow
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
very niche meme I made
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.