“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
incredible
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions