“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen