“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?