“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You Might Also Like
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Girl, same.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.