“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke