Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.