@KevinFarzad: Oh so everyone praises the movie 'Her' but when I loved my Sims everyone was like "we're worried" & "you've been playing 72 hours straight"
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@DillDoes: "How's your sexual history?" Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be "deletable"
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
@CoopSoSarc: We decided to go out for bbq tonight. As it turns out, I'm too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.