Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake