The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day