Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Just grow your own
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve