Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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Animal poetry
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]