Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better