oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Don’t forget to tip your server
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.