The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]