“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
yeah 😭
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.