Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of