@SunshineJarboly: "Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN'T eat chocolate. It'll kill them." - God inventing dogs.
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@Just_Lee_: Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
@noneofyours99: Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply
@Chumpstring: [bridge] BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something? JUMPER: what? BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness. JUMPER: oh wait lol i'm not with the group.
@CynicalCanuck: Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn't have blankets. Sorry lady in seat 21B