Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Goodnight 🐶
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.