Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.