@DeadLioness: Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what's really wrong with this country.
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@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.
@TheAlexP: Girl seeing my torn jeans Where'd you get those?! *remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes* The Gap.
@BuckyIsotope: [I time travel and bring back Shakespeare] SHAKESPEARE: What’s this? ME: That’s a meme SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people