Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.