Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding