What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.