attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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He’s cranky this morning
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.