@weinerdog4life: one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

@LouisPeitzman: If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.

@GinjaNinjaSarah: Bit chilly again tonight.

@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.

@kelkulus: Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.