@lanyardtwerk: Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.
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@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@stephenjmolloy: Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
@daemonic3: *wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes