oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You Might Also Like
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.