“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
the simulation is moving too fast
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If I ignore life will it go away?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”