“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today