Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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What about second breakfast?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?