Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
my sentiments exactly
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
we’re gonna need another temp
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER