Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”