“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Lassie, get help!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.