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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.