Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?