Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!