Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
You Might Also Like
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.