“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
You Might Also Like
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.