Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”