My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”