If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*puts words between two asterisks*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.