Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
looks legit
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I love art.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”