Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
next level snooze
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Support your local cemetery
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”