Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My work here is done
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse