Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.