Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy