Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.