Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?