Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
this is me
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen