Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat