“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Running from your problems is cardio .
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“OMGJK” -atheists
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.