If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.